The First

In the black community, Mental Health and Therapy are stigmatized for many reasons. Some of which include: distrust of Providers, the burden of carrying and dealing with things on our own, fully relying on our spirtual beliefs instead of using resources, misdiagnosis, false perceptions of the "strong black woman," lack of access and other barriers. My generation has been at the forefront of eradicating the stigma but we still have a long way to go.

According to the Office of Minority Health, "African Americans are 20 percent more likely to experience serious mental health problems than the general population." Yet, only about "25 percent of African Americans seek mental health care as compared to 40 percent of whites," according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

Self disclosure: I dealt with Anxiety for years until I became educated enough to understand what I was feeling. My anxiety would show up unannounced and at times manifest physically in my body. The nervousness in specific crowds, biting my nails, chest tightness, unexplained stomach aches, constant worry, zoning out, racing thoughts, trouble sleeping. Even though I found validation in getting answers, I still didn't seek help. Once I became a Licensed Therapist, it became disingenuous to promote mental health awareness and encourage others to be brave enough to make a choice I hadn't even made for myself-ask for help.

My life began to shift once I became honest about how I felt. I would describe my therapeutic experience as knocking down-piece by piece, everything I thought knew about who I was, as I also dealt with every single uncomfortable emotion that showed up in the process. Eventually building myself back up as a better, stronger, healthier and more empowered person. Being the first in my family to confront generational patterns and deal with my internal battles is making me a better human.

We not only inherit physical traits, names, disease, traditions etc. from our family. We also inherit bad habits, toxic communication patterns, poor boundaries, anger issues, trauma, mental illness, unhealthy coping skills and more. Changing this is not an easy nor quick process. Especially when there are barriers in the way of progress such as: lack of transportation, food insecurity, lack of support, not enough money, no health insurance, homelessness etc.

Maybe you're also the first in your family to seek Therapy or make other choices centered around taking care of your mental health. Not everyone closest to you will support your positive and healthy changes. Some may attempt to sabotage your progress by maintaining unhealthy patterns or reminding you of who "they think" you used to be. Others may feel you're "acting funny" or "better." In whatever you do, when you change your role, it creates a rift and disrupts the norm. Everyone won't understand or appreciate the work you're doing. They don't have to.

I read an analogy from the book, "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone" where the author describes the feeling of being stuck in emotional torment as being in a prison. Either you're sitting as life continues to pass or you're aggressively shaking the bars in front of you as an attempt to get out. Failing to realize there are no bars on either side keeping you there. There is a way out if you're willing to see it. Now the question is not what's stopping you. It is WHO is stopping you?

Below are a few things that may help if you've made the choice to be the "first" in your family:

1. Practice acceptance. Acceptance does not mean condone or allow. It means: "Be okay with this." Accept that others will not choose to change just because you have. You cannot force them to. Accept that people around you might resist. Not your issue. Accept that others might change their role in your life. Their choice to make. By practicing acceptance, you start the process of freeing yourself from the burden of other people's choices and/or judgement about what YOU have chosen for your life. The life only you have to live.

2. Set boundaries. This is parallel to acceptance. Things you may have allowed in the past, may not be acceptable today. Be firm with what you will and won't allow. Remember, you can only communicate your boundary. You cannot control how other people respond to it. Accept that too.

3. Use self compassion. You might revert back to old patterns or habits. Forgive yourself. Offer grace for mistakes. Tomorrow is a new day to start again.

4. Form new supports that align with the direction your life is heading. Connect with healthy, like-minded people. This could be a Therapist, new friend/s, group, church, a mentor, etc.

5. Keep going. You will face challenges, you will want to go back to what's familiar, you might feel like quitting, you will grieve, you will feel guilt, you will make mistakes, you may feel alone at times or misunderstood. None of these are reasons to quit. All of these mean you are human.