Forgiveness ain't easy
- Blackwomananonymous
- Sep 27, 2018
- 3 min read
Reflection
When I first started working on this post weeks ago, I wanted to be honest, transparent and offer a healthy perspective around forgiveness. I took some time to really think about what I wanted to say. Started writing. Weeks later, DELETE. DELETE. DELETE. I got rid of most of what I had because it felt fake and unrealistic. Fast forward to last night. I found out something devastating and traumatic had happened to someone I love dearly. It was humbling knowing this person felt comfortable enough to share their truth with me. We talked about it briefly. Then I sat with it and I went through a tangled web of different emotions. Anger, sadness, rage, empathy. I cried. HARD. I thought about how difficult it must of been for this person to speak their truth. Never saying anything about it to anyone for years. I admire their strength and resiliency. I thought about how proud I was to know and love that person.
I still needed to finish my post about Forgiveness. The person who confided in me never disclosed who the perpetrator was but whoever it is, I'm not ready to forgive them. I'm still angry, I'm still hurt that it happened to this person I love so much. If there were stages of forgiveness, I am for sure at the beginning. I believe in the power of forgiveness but I also know it takes time and if it never happens...it never happens. My hope for anyone who has been harmed in any way by another person is that you find peace, you heal and continue moving forward in a healthy way.
What is Forgiveness?
There are many layers to forgiveness and can mean different things to different people. Forgiveness is described as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness or not. Forgiveness can be the act of forgiving someone that has harmed you, someone else forgiving you of the hurt you may have caused or you forgiving yourself.
What Forgiveness is Not
-acceptance of bad behavior, manipulation or abuse
-forgetting
-weakness
-acknowledging what happened was okay
-justice
Things to consider about Forgiveness
Whether it's forgiveness of someone else, yourself or if you are asking for forgiveness of someone.
1. What was the act that has caused you to seek forgiveness? What did this person do to you? What did you do to require forgiveness of yourself? How did it hurt you?
2. Ask yourself, "Am I ready to forgive?" Really think about this. Everyone isn't ready to forgive and if you aren't that's your decision. Think about the pros and cons of not allowing yourself to forgive. How is it affecting your life? This is a choice that only you can make.
3. If you are the person who needs forgiveness, offer a genuine apology. There's nothing worse than a half ass "I'm sorry, my bad" or one that includes a "but..." An apology takes humility, honesty and a hopefully a commitment to change. Also know, your apology doesn't always equal forgiveness from the other person. Be okay with that.
4. Look at the situation as a way to empower yourself. Maybe you have forgiven someone and had to limit that persons role in your life. Maybe you forgave and found the strength to let a toxic situation go for good. Sometimes pain can transform our lives in the most positive and meaningful ways.
5. Think about a time when you needed forgiveness. No one is perfect. Not all offenses are forgivable to some and not everyone is ready to forgive. The point is, we've all needed forgiveness from someone at some point.
6. Most importantly, have boundaries. If you forgive someone and they continue to violate, maybe it's time to re-evaluate your relationship with that person.
7. I feel like this is redundant because I'm constantly expressing the importance of it but please lean on people you trust for support. Sometime it takes talking through things with a professional.
This is not a post to judge anyone for making a choice to forgive or not forgive. It is also a post that's probably full of contradiction. I'm not perfect. & I for sure do not condone the idea of allowing someone to continue to hurt you while you forgive over and over allowing mistreatment. Boundaries are key. I also believe there are offenses not so easy to forgive and may even be unforgivable to some. I can't wait to talk to my therapist about this one.
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