Esteemed

Blackwomananonymous
Jan 16, 2019
4 min read

Self esteem is defined as confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect and usually influenced by our early experiences in life and messages we received consciously and subconsciously as children. These could be relationships with parents, caregivers or influenced by societal norms.

According to The Heart of Leadership, "7 in 10 girls believe they are not good enough or do not measure up in some way, including their looks, performance in school and relationships with family and friends..."

There are many positive reinforcements of black beauty today-natural hair, curves, beautiful skin tones. I recall a time in my adolescent years when it wasn't necessarily attractive or fashionable to be "natural" or "thick." Many of the black girls on TV who were viewed as pretty identified with European standards of beauty-straight black hair, slim bodies and of a light skinned tone. Which reinforced beauty as being based on a females outward appearance versus their inner self or other positive characteristics. Representation matters. Little girls need to see themselves on TV, in movies, sports, in books, writing books. While also shedding more light on educated, women of color in powerful positions. IT MATTERS.

Having self esteem makes a difference in the decisions we make, our relationships with people, our overall happiness and inner stability. When you feel worthy and valuable, it is difficult and almost impossible to accept or deal with anything less than what YOU feel you deserve. Especially in relationships. Our relationships should mirror the love we have for ourselves. When you love yourself, it's easier to give love to others because your cup is already full. And when it needs re-filling, you are intentional about it.

What I have learned as a therapist, working in a rural area is that PEOPLE ARE RESILIENT. Especially black women. I've met trauma SURVIVORS, homeless people, people who have no family to lean on or friends. People struggling to find their purpose, quality of life, and strength to make it day by day. Waking up is a battle. My point is, our mental health is impacted by several variables and self esteem is just one of those things. When your self esteem is low it impacts your mood and vice versa. Imagine being Clinically Depressed and battling with feeling unworthy at the same time. Or dealing with Anxiety and having to constantly fight your inner critic. It's exhausting and for some, debilitating.

Building Self Esteem

Everyone comes from their own set of experiences and there are many ways to work on building and maintaining healthy self esteem. Sometimes, it's the simple things. At times there's more intentional work to be done.

Pay attention to your personal hygiene. Brush your hair, paint or trim your fingernails, try a different hairstyle. Get up and get dressed, even if you don't have plans for the day. "When you look good, you feel good."
Be mindful of what you put in your body. Sometimes what we eat has an affect on how we feel. I've been guilty of stress eating and afterwards feeling even worse than I did to begin with. A large amount of carbs or sweets is never good for the body. Eat to refuel and boost your energy, not to fill or mask your feelings.
Identify your strengths and your weaknesses. Discover what you like, what you're good at, what you do well but also what you could work on. Get to know yourself and what you bring to the table in any aspect-professionally, relationships etc. Embrace your quirks too.
Develop your own positive affirmations. When people tell me they want to work on their self esteem, I always ask them to examine their "self talk." I ask questions that encourage introspection. "What do you say to yourself when you make a mistake? How do you respond to criticism?" Once you identify your negative self talk, turn those statements into positive ones. When you make a mistake and think, "That was stupid, how could I do that?" Re-frame that thought into, "I made a mistake, I am not perfect..." Even saying things like "I am enough, I am worthy..." and repeat those mantras to yourself everyday or every time you feel you need to.
Make a list of your achievements. Whether it's graduating from high school, obtaining a new job, fixing something for someone or yourself, giving back. Even something you've done that you think is irrelevant-is an accomplishment. Waking up in the morning is an achievement when you're in pain, feeling Majorly Depressed, or dealing with grief or loss. Sometimes changing your perspective helps to change your thoughts, which in turn, hopefully changes how you feel.
Learn assertiveness. Assertiveness is setting healthy boundaries, communicating effectively and being in control of your own decisions.
Take a break. Sometimes you need breaks from work, certain people, SOCIAL MEDIA. Dealing with certain people and/or your job can be draining . People can also fall into the trap of comparing their lives to the "highlight reels" of others on social media. People post their accomplishments and good times but few will post about their failures, mistakes and losses. Sometimes you need to unplug from it all and regroup.
regrouping can involve taking a walk, vacation-if you can, a day off, meditation, exercise, just simply logging out or suspending social media apps whatever will help YOU.
Reach out for support. It's a blessing if you have friends and family to lean on but some people don't. If you feel you need help getting through a rough patch, help with boosting your self esteem or digging more into why you are having trouble with your self esteem, therapy is always a good option. There are also online platforms that can help as well.